The day has come for me to write
 The novel in my mind;
A thousand plots spin through my head
 (Though none have been outlined).

With confidence, I grab my pen
 And lock the office door,
Encouraged by some how-to books
 I skimmed the night before.

A ream of paper on my desk
 Lies waiting, clean and white,
Then, almost like a living thing,
 My pen begins to write ...

Upon a dark and stormy night
 Beside a nameless sea,
A Hero treads upon the sand
 For reasons known to he.

 When suddenly a scream is heard
From somewhere up the beach;
 The Hero sprints with nostrils flared
And brawn none dare impeach.

A Girl is fighting for her life
 Against a dozen foes;
But thrashed by blazing martial arts,
 They flee The Hero's blows.

The Girl and Hero fall in love,
 A most contentious pair—
Exchanging banter on the beach
 To show how much they care.

In the meantime, far up north,
 An earthquake shakes the pole
As sunlight heats the ozone shield
 And thaws a gaping hole.

A pirate ship with frozen crew
 Glides from its icy tomb,
Defrosted from a vengeful dream
 Their carnage should resume.

High atop a tidal wave
 Caused by the polar quake,
It sails a Caribbean course
 With ice cubes in its wake.

Meanwhile, back upon the beach,
 With lipstick smeared and kissed,
The Girl observes an attaché
 Chained to The Hero's wrist.

She queries what it holds inside;
 His answer is concise:
The case contains a prototype—
 A nuclear device!

No sooner was his secret told,
 The ocean's surface cringes
And vomits forth a tidal wave
 With ice-encrusted fringes.

It lifts The Hero off the shore
 Amid cruel pirate laughter,
And slams him on a rotting deck—
 The Girl came tumbling after.

Oh, what a valiant fight ensues
 As rusty sabers clash,
But not one pirate hits the deck
 Beneath The Hero's slash.

As chunks of epidermis fly,
 One pirate loses face;
These aren't buccaneers at all ...
 But aliens from space!

They stun The Hero and the Girl
 And share these fearsome facts:
They plan to microwave the earth
 And eat mankind as snacks.

The Girl attempts reciting poems
 To woo the skinless crew,
But both are banished off the ship
 By vote of 8-2.

The Hero drops his attaché
 And flips a switch marked FIRE!
The aliens guess which to cut:
 The green or yellow wire?

He plops the Girl into a boat,
 And drops both to the sea,
Then dives with pure Olympic grace
 Near where she floated free.

But after climbing safe inside
 And straining at the oars,
The Hero spies the spiny fins
 Of hungry dinosaurs.

Luckily, before they gnaw
 The dinghy to a raft,
Some shots ring out from guns aboard
 A naval landing craft.

Hooray! The soldiers save the day!
 But each one fears his fate,
And share sad tales of hometown bliss
 Before it is too late.

The Hero comforts one and all
 With super-sized conviction,
Reciting scripture just enough
 To deem this Christian fiction.

Then with a loud unnerving jolt
 The transport runs aground
And soldiers spill onto the beach
 While bullets whiz around.

A sergeant taps The Hero's arm,
 With helmet in his hand,
And begs for him to lead the troops
 To free this troubled land.

Up the hill the soldiers charge
 Where angels fear to tread,
To face an enemy from hell—
 An army of the dead!

Their evil leader spurs them on;
 A wizard dressed in black,
Who casts his spells with deadly aim
 Astride a dragon's back.

One of his curses hits the beach
 And zaps the Girl in hiding,
Who turns into an octopus
 With tentacles a-sliding.

Then suddenly, a mushroom cloud
 Glows in the distant sky
And airborne bits of pirate ship
 Rain down in great supply.

Like a spear, the mizzen mast
 Impales the wizard's chest;
His body crumbles into dust
 Along with troops possessed.

But sadly, at the water's edge,
 The victory is flawed—
The Hero learns the Girl he loves
 Is still a cephalopod.

Reflecting on their moments shared,
 And life not meant to be,
Our Hero unwraps from her hugs
 And lobs her out to sea.

              •  •  •

I scrawl "The End" and sheath my pen,
 Exhausted without equal ...
I think I'll take a little nap
 Before I write the sequel.