The salesman slid it from the box
 And placed it in my hand;
He said, "This mobile telephone,
 Is our most costly brand.

"But listen to these features
 That this little gem includes—
It's sure to raise your status,
 With the power it exudes.

From satellite, both day and night,
 We'll bounce your every word—
We'll screen your calls and check your mail
 And pay all fees incurred.

"Six-way calling, Internet,
 Fax capability…
And if the line is busy
 It will brew a cup of tea."

"I'll take it!" cried my foolish tongue,
 "Please hold that phone for me!
I have to go and hock my car—
 I should be back by three."

That evening in the twilight's gleam,
 My new phone at my side,
I sat upon my front porch steps
 And read the Owner's Guide.

"To fully charge your phone," it read,
 "Just plug it in the wall,
But always disconnect it
 If you want to make a call."

I must have been preoccupied
 By thrills which lie ahead—
I didn't see the LEDs
 Flash bright from green to red.

My trembling fingers dialed the phone
 And pushed the button "SEND"—
I'm not quite sure what happened next…
 It's hard to comprehend.

My phone, which I'd mistakenly
 Left plugged into the wall,
Began to shiver, shriek and spit
 (Earl Grey, if I recall).

An overload from the device
 Surged up my quaking arm,
Reducing it to energy
 Without apparent harm.

The rest of me transmuted
 In the twinkling of an eye,
And when my frequency was clear,
 I flashed into the sky!

Faster, faster, faster still,
 I shot into the black
And passed the promised satellite
 Instead of bouncing back.

I hit the veil which separates
 The realm of God and men
With speed so great I tore right through,
 Then picked up speed again.

Surrounding me were children's prayers
 En route on wings of doves;
I flew through streams of broken tears
 Shed for departed loves.

I heard the whispers angels speak
 When aiding those on earth,
And saw souls heading up in death
 And heading down for birth.

But even these I left behind
 Upon my wayward flight
Till nothing could be seen or heard
 Except a distant light.

Suddenly a hand came forth
 And scooped me in its palm—
It gently turned my course around
 And soothed my fear with calm.

"You must go back," I heard a voice
 From somewhere in my head,
Then felt a shove from up above—
 I woke up in my bed!

It felt so good to be alive!
 I sang and praised the Lord!

Oh… then I bought a brand new phone—
 One tethered by a cord!