summertime of '45,
The Armistice was near―
You wandered past my porch one night
An' asked me for a beer.
You pointed to a distant star
An' claimed that's where you're from―
Well, I might be a country boy
But that don't mean I'm dumb.
I figured you must be ashamed
For lookin' kinda weird,
So I just shrugged and bit my tongue
And friendship persevered.
I taught you how to suck a straw
An' chug beer like a man
Because your mouth was made too small
To drink straight from the can.
Sometimes our singin' got so loud
I feared we'd wake the dead
By tunin' in the radio
On implants in my head.
But after 'bout a couple years
The mood between us changed
'Cause somethin' stickin' in your craw
Made you a bit deranged.
You never said what ticked you off,
Although I think I know―
It ain't my fault you drank too much
And hit New Mexico!
I must admit I laughed at first
At how you showed your scorn,
Like writin' insults in my crops
By pressin' down the corn.
But when my tractor wouldn't start
'Cause all the wires were fried,
That's messin' with my livelihood…
An' that I can't abide.
My daily chores weren't gettin' done
Because of missing time,
An' what you did to my ol' cow
Has gotta be a crime.
You told me once you came for gold
To save your planet's air,
But whazzup with that anal probe?
There ain't no gold up there!
The final straw was your demand
To yield to your control―
No skinny guy with owlish eyes
Is gonna swipe my soul!
So if you gotta sprout some ears
I really think you should―
I'm only gonna say this once
So listen to me good.
I've strung a fence around my house
With lights to pierce the fog,
I keep a shotgun by my door
An' bought myself a dog.
If you are really from the stars
I'll put you in your place,
'Cause if I catch you snoopin' 'round
I'll blast you into space!